Haircut, yard work, and stuff

I got a haircut yesterday. I didn't really need it, but we have another wedding this weekend. Whatever. I went to the usual place, and I thought I was going to get the girl that does a really nice job, but instead Billeen dinked around until I got her. She did okay, but she seemed hesitant to cut too much off. I'm just about ready to buzz it all off. We'll see. I don't think I want to do anything too drastic after shaving so recently. My last haircut was April 16th. So just over a month ago.

Btw, I did actually shave today. The day before I just used the clippers to cut the beard off.

I also mowed the lawn and then used the weed eater. First I trimmed weeds, then I flipped the thing sideways and edged the sidewalks. Then I raked and swept up all the little windmill things from the maple trees that seem to have overtaken the yard. I filled the trash bin half full with them.

We stopped by to see the kids last night and Anna wouldn't come near me for a long time (without the beard). I felt bad for her. I'm sure she will get over it, but I still regret shaving.

There is presently a squirrel party going on in the front tree. There are like 5 squirrels chasing each other around.

Shaved off the beard

So I finally broke down and shaved off the beard yesterday. I stopped shaving on November 2, 2012 (my 50th birthday) and intended to let it grow for a year. I made it 6 months and 21 days if my calculations are correct. Though I realize they could be off because I am still a little distraught.

I feel bad for the grandkids, because I think they had grown rather fond of it. Jane also liked it. At first I was just going to leave the goatee. I wore it like that for a few hours. I finally decided "what the heck" and just cut it off without thinking about it anymore.

Yes, I kind of regret it now. But there's not much I can do. Here are the pics of before, during, and after.

Torn on shaving

Argh... I think just about every day I say that I'm going to shave my beard off...... tomorrow.

The last time I shaved was Nov. 2, 2012. That was the day I turned 50. I was going to try to go one year without shaving - though I didn't really expect to. I've actually trimmed it a couple times, but not a lot (mostly the sides and the mustache part).

I can't decide if I should shave it off or let it grow. Part of me is really tired of taking care of it. It's kind of a pain. I have to wash it and blow it dry and comb it. Plus there is always the chance of getting food stuck in it. But on the other hand... the wife and grandkids like it; and I've always wanted to have a long beard.

I have to say, I have a lot of admiration for guys with really long beards. It is a lot of work.

So, I don't know. I was planning to shave it off today. I took these pictures for a keepsake. But now I am torn again.

Trying to find joy and peace

You can't find your purpose if you feel like a failure.

That came to my mind as I was contemplating my latest assignment. My counselor told me that right now I should only be worried about two things.

1. Do I enjoy doing this?
2. Does this give me a continued sense of peace?

I suppose for a lot of people that may be a simple assignment. It seems almost impossible to me. I am just not used to thinking in those terms. I'm tempted to say that most of what I do is more out of obligation, so I rarely think about whether I am enjoying it or finding peace. However, I think the truth is, most of what I do is motivated by wanting people to like me (which often leads to doing things out of obligation, but the obligation is to myself - I want people to like me).

Sometimes I wonder, though, if I want people to 'like' me... or if I just don't want people to 'dislike' me. There is a difference. I can be okay with people who are indifferent to me. I just can't handle it when people don't like me though. Or, maybe it's more a case of... not being accepted. My counselor says the most dominant trait in my personality is my sensitivity. I know some people find this hard to believe, but I really am a very sensitive person. I keep asking the counselor if there is a way to NOT be so sensitive, because I don't like being so sensitive and having my feelings hurt so easily. He tells me that this is actually a good trait - especially for someone in ministry. I say it hurts like hell, but... I know what he means. I suppose it wouldn't be very helpful to be totally insensitive. But still...

I guess the thing is, this 'sensitivity' trait leads me to need to feel accepted. So when I am not feeling accepted, I feel like a failure and it throws off my entire way of being. When people reject me or do mean things to me or betray me... I just have a really hard time not only dealing with that, but dealing with all of life in general. This is where I am.

So when I try to consider questions like, "Does this bring me joy or peace," it's difficult for me because what brings me joy and peace is being loved and accepted. If I am feeling alienated or rejected, even those things that do bring me joy and peace don't give that feeling because I am overwhelmed by the alienation and rejection.

The simple solution would seem to be to just remove myself from those situations which could lead to being rejected or alienated. However I'm not sure that's the right thing. The right thing is to try to find my joy and peace (contentment) in my relationship with God. Contentment comes from our reality divided by our expectations. So I may need to change my reality, but I certainly need to change my expectations.

This is about the time the thought entered my mind that, "You can't find your purpose if you feel like a failure." I have let myself talk myself into thinking I am a failure because there are some people who don't like me. This has so overwhelmed me that I have lost my sense of purpose (from God). So... I'm supposed to quit thinking about those things which have caused me to feel like a failure, in order that I might someday be able to think clear enough to find my purpose again. It is highly unlikely this can be done in three months (or so I'm told), but it's a start.

NOTE: This is a pretty personal post and I'm really just trying to 'think out loud.' PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE... don't read too much into this. I am not making a diagnoses or claim of understanding. I'm just writing stuff. Okay? I'm trying to work things out in my mind as best as I can, and this is one of the ways I like to do it. If you can't handle that, then please leave me alone. Please.

Migraine

I think I had a migraine headache today. Of course whenever you mention 'migraine' someone will inevitably say, "that wasn't really a migraine"... So in the event that it wasn't a migraine - I had one nasty headache today. It is the worst one I can ever remember having. Though I might have had worse, but this one seemed worse because it was most recent. In any event, I have had one bad headache this entire day.

I woke up during the night and my neck was stiff and sore, so I took some Tylenol and went back to bed. When I got up this morning I had a slight headache, but didn't think much of it. I thought maybe it was just the storms that were supposedly brewing. So I took some more Tylenol and went about my day.

I was actually supposed to drive to Illinois today and wasn't real excited about driving through the rain that was, again, supposedly coming. As the morning wore on, and the headache got worse though, I started to have my doubts. I was sitting at the computer and my eyes starting being funny. It wasn't that I couldn't see, but everything was weird. It's hard to explain. I finally decided to lay down for awhile and ended up back in bed with the shades pulled. I woke up around 11 am and it hurt even worse but at least my sight seemed better. The front of my forehead, behind my eyes, and my teeth were sore though. So I took more Tylenol and ate something and took another nap.

Carrie texted me in the afternoon and asked me to help pick up their car at the garage and I was able to do that. Once I got back home I lay down again though. Ugh.

I just now took some Advil Migraine at 5:45. I was hesitant to take it since I'd already taken so much Tylenol, so I only took one capsule instead of two. We'll see how it goes. Man, talk about a wasted day. I am really glad I didn't drive to Illinois though. I don't think I could have handled Chicago traffic feeling like this.

Isaac preaching and the tonne winery

Yesterday was a pretty good day all the way around. M'Lady and I started the day by taking a 3+ mile run first thing in the morning. Then we drove to Anderson and went to son Isaac's church. He was preaching. It was nice.

They had a pretty small gathering of people yesterday - around twenty, I'd guess - and I believe everyone except Jane and I were in their twenties. But we felt very comfortable. They are meeting in the basement of the First Methodist Church of Anderson. It's a better space than they had before as far as I'm concerned. A young (18-ish) guy led some songs on the guitar, they had a 'praise & lament' time (I think that's what they called it), they prayed, and Isaac preached. He spoke on the 'Serenity Prayer' yesterday, and not only did an excellent job, but it really spoke to me and was exactly what I needed to hear. So I was not only a proud papa, but a thankful one too.

After the service we went to the Exodus House for a bit and checked out the new fence and new shed, then we went out for lunch at Eva's. I had my usual Sunday breakfast for lunch. Then we dropped Isaac off and headed for home.

On the way home Jane wanted to stop at the Tonne Winery in rural Muncie. Daughter Carrie had just given her a bottle of wine from there and she wanted to check the place out. It's a neat little place and the people working there were very friendly. We tried several samples of different wines and then had a wine slushy while we tried to pick out what we wanted to buy. We bought three different kinds - for gifts and for personal use. I was glad we stopped by.

By the way, I was glad to hear son Isaac use the full, original version of the Serenity Prayer in his sermon. I think most people are only familiar with the shortened version - which is good too - but the full version attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr is much more powerful in my mind. Here it is:

God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

A funeral and new shirts

I had a funeral yesterday morning. It was for a lady in the church who used to live not far from the church building and she used to stop in and see me all the time. She had been in a nursing home for the past several years. It was one of those "easy" funerals in that it wasn't hard to find things to say and to celebrate her home-going. I was glad the service was at the funeral home and not the church though - so I didn't have to go to the church on my sabbatical. It lasted 20 minutes exactly. Then the committal service at the Waynedale cemetery was just the words of committal, the 23rd Psalm, and a prayer. I thought it was a nice service.

Then yesterday afternoon I bought some shirts. I bought a sleeveless running shirt at Meijer, and then two golf shirts at Kohls. Most of my golf-type shirts are either too big or too old.

This morning Jane and I got up and ran a 5k down the rivergreenway, then walked another mile. Now we're getting ready to go to Anderson to hear son Isaac preach.

New patio chair cushions

I bought some chair cushions for our patio furniture yesterday. We had just been talking about getting some - because we've never had any cushions for our patio chairs - and Jane sent me a text yesterday that someone from her work told her about this big sale on chair cushions. She gave me the address and I couldn't find anything out about it other than it was near the airport. So I hopped in the Buick and headed to West Ferguson Road. It wasn't until my second time by that I noticed this little sign hung on the fence at the Arden Company. I didn't even know this place existed. I think it is maybe the old Kmart distribution center. It's a brick building with a chain link fence all around the property just across from the airport (and a smidge to the east).

Anyway, I stopped in and this place that makes patio furnishings was having a warehouse clearance sale. I bought these really nice chair cushions for $5 each! I also bought some basic seat pads for our wooden chairs in the house at 4 for $1. So I spent $21 total. Just one of these cushions would have cost at least that much in the store. They are nice, and I was happy. Apparently they have this sale every year.

Five things friday

1. I think I might finally be starting to get a little tired of lima beans. They have always been my favorite vegetable, but I think I may have eaten them a little too much lately.

2. We came home last night and someone had put some garbage in our bin out by the curb. I'm pretty sure it was the neighbor because Jane caught him putting recycling in that bin one time. Of course it didn't really matter because the only thing in our garbage bin was a few sticks. We didn't even have a half of a garbage bag this week.

3. I guess I can't even take a sabbatical right. I agreed to do a funeral tomorrow. I didn't have to, but I wanted to. Plus funerals are about the only thing about my job that actually gives me some sense of satisfaction. And I could use the money.

4. Apparently I can't plant grass seed either. This is the second Spring I've put out some grass seed - last year was in the back yard and this year in the front - and it hasn't taken either place. I thought I did everything just how it was supposed to be done, and it's not in the shade either. I suppose I haven't watered it enough.

5. I've been sitting here for ten minutes and I can't think of a fifth thing. There.

Locked out at a day game

Yesterday I went to another Tincaps day-game at Parkview Field. I needed to send a text after I parked (along Ewing Street) and when I sent it I just got out and shut the car door. When I put my phone in my pocket I realized that I'd forgotten to take the keys out of the ignition. Dang. I haven't locked my keys in the car in a long time. I often don't even lock it, but I did this time. So... I just went ahead and went to the game and called Jane and asked if she had a lunch time today. I got some popcorn (lunch) and watched  part of the game, then Jane came by with my extra key probably an hour or so later. So it worked out fine.

I don't think I will attend anymore of these day games though. Just like last week there were a MILLION screaming kids at this game. I guess it's a big thing for elementary and middle schools to take field trips to these day games. Certainly it's a good way to keep attendance up, but I would just as soon not have to deal with it myself.

I did actually talk to someone yesterday. I had a standing-room-only ticket ($5) but they have tables and chairs in various places beyond the outfield. I saw a lone guy sitting at a table just beyond the third base line and asked if anyone was sitting with him. So we chatted a bit. Pretty soon I got a text from Jane that she was on her way so I sat along Jefferson in front of O'Reilly's on a bench and waited for her. I went back to game after I got my key, but I just walked around after that.

Trip home, mother's day, funeral, and 30th anniversary

We spent a few days at my parent's house in Buda this past weekend. There was a shindig ('spring fling') at Brothers in Sheffield Saturday night, my parents had a few things they wanted me to do, and then Jane had an aunt who died and the funeral was Tuesday in Dixon, IL. Tuesday was also our 30th Wedding Anniversary. So we headed for Buda Saturday morning, and got back late last night. It was a pretty good trip.

Saturday we left late in the morning and went through Chicago again. Once again we made it in about 4 1/2 hours. We visited with the parents awhile, had Casey's pizza for supper with them, and then went over to Sheffield. There weren't too many people at the 'Spring Fling,' but there was a good crowd there to hear Windjam take the stage from 9-midnight. We saw some old friends and had an okay time. We closed the place down and had Butch's pizza at 1:30 am (which would have been 2:30 our time).

Sunday we went to Bunker to church with my parents. It's always weird going there, but we don't really know very many people there still. It is just like our church (and probably most churches), so many people have left, and new people come, that it's not at all like it used to be. Anyway, after church we went out to the country club for a Mother's Day brunch, then went back to the parents house. I mowed their lawn - since my mom isn't able to mow yet (due to her foot pain from shingles) - we took a nap, and actually went to bed pretty early.

Monday we didn't get up until after 8 am, so we got over 10 hours of sleep that night. It felt good. Might have had something to do with sleeping in the two twin beds. They are more comfortable than the double bed in the orange room. Anyway, we dinked around most of the day. We helped my parents put the carpet down on the back patio, put up a solar motion light (which didn't seem to work yet), and I mowed the yard once again. It was so high on Sunday that I had to raise the deck, so I lowered it down and mowed it again. I also ran the weed eater. It looked much better. My dad had mowed it the last time and I could see where he just completely missed big patches. Plus he mows with the riding mower instead of the push mower. Anyway, after that we ended up taking a 2-hour nap in the afternoon. We kind of just hung around the house again, went to Dixon to her aunt Doris's visitation, and once again went to bed around 10 pm.

Tuesday was our wedding anniversary, and I forgot to get Jane a card. I thought I did good remembering a Mother's Day gift and card (Charleston Chews and an arm band holder for her iphone), but I completely spaced out about the anniversary card even though I knew full well it was our anniversary. Oh well. We got up around 7 and started packing, and then left around 9:45 am to go the funeral for Jane's aunt. There was a decent crowd. It started at 11 am, was done about 11:30; then we went to the cemetery and back to a place in downtown Dixon called the Post Ballroom. It was a big old reception hall. We had a nice lunch. We sat next to a couple who used to be good friends with some people from Bluffton, IN (they have since passed away). We visited with some of Jane's relatives (and brothers) and left for home around 1:30 pm. We took rt. 52 through Amboy and Mendota down to Interstate 80. We stopped at a little gas station in Amboy and changed into more comfortable clothes. And this time when we went through Chicago, instead of taking the 80-90 tollway we followed I-94 into Indiana and took exit 26A to catch route 49 down to route 30. It saved us a 60 cent toll, but otherwise wasn't any quicker. That way there was just the one toll of $1.10 though. We got into Fort Wayne a little after 7 pm and just went straight to a restaurant to get some food. We saw some good friends there, who bought us a couple drinks for our anniversary, and then got home way too late and unpacked and went to bed.

Around 10 pm I got a phone call and text message that someone from church had passed away. So I suppose that was a fitting way to end a nice relaxing trip back home.

Live life...

I just saw this thing on Facebook and thought it was pretty good:

Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever, you just have to live life.

I like that. You know, it's not complicated. Kind of like the Jason Ringenberg lyric from his early days: "The point is dying if we don't live when we're alive."